


In the Loo:  Convention

by Grey_wonderer



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-11
Updated: 2011-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-23 15:39:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_wonderer/pseuds/Grey_wonderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, fame can be more than a person can tolerate and fandom can be way over the top.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Loo:  Convention

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction and I don't know any of these people. This didn't happen. This was written for amusement and no harm was intended. GW
> 
> Originally written in response to a challenge on Live Journal for FFFC group. The prompt was 'Excess'.

“Open up before I explode and piss on the rug,” Dom hissed and reluctantly, Billy pulled the door open allowing Dom just enough room to squeeze inside the loo.

As Billy hurriedly shut the door and locked it, Dom stepped over to a urinal and unzipped his fly. “Why are you hiding in the loo, Bills? Eat something manky from the buffet?” Dom asked as he went about his business.

“No, I’m fine,” Billy said, leaning against the locked door and looking intently at the ceiling tiles.

“You just like to hide in loos, then,” Dom grinned.

“I just needed a minute,” Billy said, still looking at the ceiling.

“A minute for what?” Dom asked zipping up as he turned around and walked to the sink. “Been polishing yer knob?”

“No, nothing that exciting,” Billy said watching Dom shake water from his hands and then wipe them on his trouser legs rather than making use of the hand-dryer.

“Then what? You can’t spend the entire evening in the loo,” Dom grinned. “That lot out there paid to spend the evening with hobbits and some of them are looking for you.”

“Aye, and some of them are more than a wee bit friendly,” Billy said with a shiver. “Did you ever think you’d be fending off advances from birds old enough to be your granny or young enough to get ye a year or two in a prison?”

“One of them asked me to sign her breasts and then another one stole my bottled water,” Dom said leaning on the sink. “I was still drinking it! I just set it down so I could autograph a photo for this young lad and his mum, and some nutter knicked my water. I saw her showing it to three other ladies and they were all giggling.”

“Some bloke dressed as a hobbit pinched me on the bum,” Billy said. “When I turned to see who it was, he was just standin’ there, grinning at me. Then some couple told me they‘d named their budgie after me.”

"Pippin's a good bird name," Dom said. "That's not very odd. I had a neighbour who named his cat Bilbo."

"They didn't name it Pippin," Billy frowned. "They named it *after* me. Billy Boyd."

“Billy Boyd The Budgie?” Dom laughed. "Tweet. Tweet."

"Shut yer gob," Billy said. "I knew I shouldn't have told ye."

“Someone told me that his name was Aragorn and his sister‘s name was Eowyn. His folks actually did that to him. Can you imagine? S’all right for a budgie, but who would do that to their kid?”

There was a loud rap on the door and Billy jumped as if he’d been shot. “Let me in, now,” Sean’s voice announced firmly.

Billy quickly opened the door, pulled Sean in, and then closed it again resuming his position as door warden once it was safely locked.

Sean looked from one of them to the other and asked, “Hiding from the lady with the little dog dressed like a hobbit or from the pack of teenage girls who keep asking us to take off our shoes so they can photograph our feet?” Sean asked.

“That dog bites,” Dom said, rubbing his arm. “I was straightening its little travel cloak and it bit me on the arm. Most animals like me but not that one.”

“I think some of those teenagers bite too,” Sean said.

“One guy asked me if I had Orlando’s phone number,” Billy said. “Like I’d give it to him if I could remember it!”

“I’d give it to him,” Dom grinned. “Be brilliant to watch Orli dodging calls from some fan-boy instead of the usual screaming girls that he gets.”

“Did this sort of madness happen to you after Rudy?” Billy asked.

“Not really,” Sean said. “Now and then some guy would see me at a Laker’s game and yell out, ‘Hey, Rudy!’ and then he'd elbow the guy next to him and say, ‘Look, that’s Rudy over there.’ and once in a while someone would come over and ask me for an autograph while I was having a meal out, but until The Lord of the Rings, no one ever asked me to sign my name on their ass. That’s completely new and very excessive.”

“I wonder if that’s the lady who wanted me to sign her breasts?” Dom mused. “Maybe she has a body part for each of us.”

"No, uh, it was a man," Sean said wincing. "A big, loud, guy who may have been a bit drunk."

“At home, no one knows me except my mates and my family,” Billy said. “The only time anyone asked for my autograph was when I’d got a package that needed signin’ for and I never had to sign on an arse in order to get the post.”

“Some woman knitted a sweater for me,” Sean frowned. "It says 'Not all who wonder are lost' on it."

“Maybe you looked cold,” Dom grinned.

"Or lost," Billy put in.

“The scene where we’re on the mountain in the snow. Maybe she thought you might need it on the Quest to keep warm," Dom said.

"I held it up and her friend took a photo of me and her and the sweater," Sean said.

“I’ve had my photo taken so many times that my lips hurt from smiling,” Billy sighed.

“You’ll be all over the internet tomorrow with more women on your arm than you ever thought you’d meet in your life,” Sean said.

“People keep asking me about my nails,” Dom said. “It’s just a couple of black fingernails. I don’t know why it’s interesting. Got asked what brand of varnish it was. What shade it was.”

“It’s feckin' black,” Billy frowned. “How many shades of black are there?”

“Spoken like a man who doesn’t own any nail varnish,” Dom grinned. “There's Midnight, Ebony, Black Shimmer,-”

“You know too much about nail varnish,” Billy said. “I came in here to get away from creepy and now you’re in here creepin’ up the loo for me.”

“I wish there were benches in here,” Sean sighed leaning against the wall. “The ladies restroom has benches.”

“And you think I’m creepy? How does he know that?” Dom asked looking at Billy.

“He and I were in the ladies one night at a boozer,” Billy said. “We were pissed and we went in the wrong door. I laid down on one of the benches. Comfy.”

“You two are scary,” Dom grinned.

“Where’s Elijah?” Billy asked Sean.

“Am I his keeper?”

“Yes,” Dom and Billy replied.

“When you two do that synchronized answering thing, that’s what’s scary,” Sean said. “The last time I saw Elijah he was doing his ‘Brit accent’ for some girls and telling some lady what it was like to work with Mel Gibson. The whole time he was signing things.”

“What things?” Dom asked arching an eyebrow.

“Anything anyone gave him,” Sean said. “Photos, posters, movie tickets, programs, a popcorn box-”

“A popcorn box?” Dom looked curious.

“Some theatre had popcorn boxes with our faces on them at their opening week for Fellowship and Elijah signed a couple of them,” Sean said.

“Let me in! I gotta tell you what just happened,” Elijah shouted banging on the door.

Billy opened it yet again, but this time, before he could close it, Elijah held it open with his foot.

“I just signed some girl’s breast!” Elijah announced triumphantly. “You guys should come out here because there’s a line now. Breasts everywhere, and all of them want me to sign them! I have to get back because I told them I was just going to get some markers. I don't want them to get bored and go away before I can get back there. You guys need to come too. Being famous is brilliant!"

 

GW

05-14-2011


End file.
